Secret Recipe

 

 

 

Every so often, you come across a recipe you want to make; if you are smart, you will follow the recipe, and add a little a bit of yourself, and never give the secret ingredient; otherwise, why are you so damn special?

 

-Randi

 

 

I wasn't a teenager when I had my first child, but young enough that it wasn't according to plan. I tried for many years to raise Joseph in the way I thought would be correct. After maybe a year or two, I just did it my own way. We did the standard Disney vacations, but I took him on exoctic trips to Haiti, and would pick him up from school on Friday with bags packs in car for a road trip to Canada!

 

Joe almost died a few weeks ago; maybe it's time to go back on vacation! Not about the vacation; it's spending time and energy around the people you need.

 

 

 

Ten years later, his sister, Theresa is born. No fun trips; no fun at all. It's not Theresa; it's mom. It's actually both of them. I spent ten years of my life watching Joe, and when Teri came, I didn't know what to do. At first, I tried to combine a family trip; Joe wasn't having it. He loves his sister and loves the tri-fold; he also loves his mom, alone.

 

How does a mom move forward when her child is stuck in the past? If it was a friend, co-worker, etc. fine- your child? Joe moved in with his dad in July- I can't disclose Joe's secret ingredient; it's his recipe to share.

 

 

I look at your face and you seem so damn mad, I'm sorry, I couldn't be your mom and your dad

 

You became weak, when I built you so strong; how can't I think, I did something wrong

 

You keep crying "sad," cause mom is always mad, but where is this dad that you think is so bad

 

"Nothing is More Despicable than Respect Based on Fear"

-Albert Camus

 

I don't see you, and you don't see me; can't help but to ask, where the hell is he

 

He is your love and he is your heart, he is the one tearing you apart

 

It's easy to love the person who isn't there; hardest to love the one that is here

 

You should know better, because I taught you well; go live with dad; it's nothing but hell

 

If that's what you want, be careful at most, he'll use you, and you're his next host

 

I should have been honest, and taken him out of your life, but let's face it; I wasn't his wife

 

But you are son; and valued at best, so make a decision and put him to rest

 

Moving on is a hard thing to do; but I did it with just me and you

 

Don't bring him back; he not worth the cause, trust me honey, you'll pick the short straws

 

I'm scared that you think that I'm not proud of you; I'm scared that you think you can't be part of two

 

Take things from dad, and take things from mom; don't ever forget where you are from

 

Not where you grew up, or from your old hood; because in your soul, you know that you're good

 

Stay tough, mom did it, and wasn't that rough, but i'm fearful these days; I didn't say enough

 

Food for Thought

 

 

 

 

And so the day begins. Every morning, I wake up and ask myself the same question, "what is going to happen to me today?"

 

I used to be fearful of the unknown of the day, but I've grown into making it more of a private joke with myself. I know that most of my problem is that I have limited time to get exactly what I need to get done and 99.9% of "the time", there isn't enough. I've tried to simplify, only to find that I will fill up that extra space with other things. Bottom line is, I hate being on a schedule, but I get nervous when things don't go according to that much hated schedule.

 

 

 

Let's discuss tomorrow. I already know that I am going to be exhausted. I'm going to be up until at least 2am doing homework. I have to drop my daughter off at school on one side of the city; rush back to the other side of the city for my son's "not so good" parent/ teacher conference, and make it to school by 10:30 am for my much needed math tutor session and take my practice midterm.

 

 

 

Luckily, I don't mind cooking so I will eat my lunch while driving back to my daughter's school to pick her up and then rush home to start a load of laundry, prepare dinner, pack lunches, start homework with the kids, finish making dinner, clean up dinner, put laundry away, start my daughter's bath, prepare a bed time snack, pick out clothes for the next day, read a bed time story and finally start my homework again when everyone is alseep.

 

 



I'm not afraid to oversleep, because I usually fall asleep in the chair face down on my laptop. FGHVBN in squares from the keyboard were imbedded into the right side of my face on Friday morning in place of "sheet marks."

 

 

 

I just have one question! How the hell do people find the time to play Candy Crush and get to levels like 249? How?

 

 

 

When I stop and notice, I’m proud she don’t fuss

Perhaps, it’s because, I am her bus

While the other parent’s chit chat away

I rush to leave and go on with my day

Most days, I’m at school and think “these kids are so young”

I catch myself holding my tongue

I’m learning from them since my son’s close at age

They helped me get back on his same page

They learn from me too; my age made me wise

Some even said that I have opened their eyes

Time for pick up and the same parents are there

I got there in time but not a minute to spare

As the local kids play in the park

We have to head home before it gets dark

Again there’s no fuss, just a smile; let’s go

We talk about our day, as I drive home slow

There’s someone waiting for us to get there

And when we do, there’s love in the air

My kid’s share a bond and a love that is tight

When I stop, I notice that I did something right

Sweet After Taste

My Golden Gate Bridge, turned out to be made out of gold, after all

I didn’t know why at the time, but I knew, I didn’t want to live the way I was living. Without getting into too much detail, I was 18 and thankful that I even graduated from high school. My dad died one year prior, and my mom was a mess. I ran away, and I ran fast. It took me only a day to pack, buy a ticket and go across country. Problem was, I was only honest to myself, because I didn’t have plans to come back. I told everyone that I was going on vacation. After a month, three older sisters and a boyfriend back home, not to mention a mother who demanded to know when the vacation period was up, the lie unfolded. One of those three sisters worked for Continental Airlines, sent me a free ticket home with a gift wrapped threat from mom, and I was back home within days. I was in a safer place for everyone. I was back home, back with my boyfriend that everyone loved and pregnant within two months. My mom died one month later. Thank GOD, I came home.

When I first came home, I was angry. I didn’t understand why people couldn’t let me go. It wasn’t about the fun or different experiences, which would be reason enough, I felt that the people that loved me were selfish and didn’t understand me. How can I go from peace, creativity, and pure happiness to being forced to come back to a coke infested, OC driven, drug dealing apartment? I got pregnant! My life was over now, there is no coming back from this. My mom never could admit that she was wrong. Even she knew that her advice wasn’t the best at the time. I remember what her guilt looked like. I moved back home with her and that month we spent together was a replacement of the years we should have had.

 

 

 

 

17 years later, I still wonder “what if I didn’t come back from San Francisco?” What would my life be like? Years ago, I would ask myself; would it be better? Would it be worse? Now, I feel at peace that it would just be different.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Independance

 

Your music is pretty and so soft to my ear, please play louder so next time it’s clear

But I can’t, they don’t like it; I’m not doing it right

You are, be yourself, this isn’t your fight

Thanks for liking my music but not everyone should

I love it and play louder, because everyone would

It’s different and dark and sometimes too deep

It’s peaceful and calming and puts me to sleep

So you’re not scared with the tunes and notes that go low

I feel comfort with the sound that I know

I will play for you anytime that you need

If you can’t, it’s ok, I’ll take the lead

Your love for my music is enough to keep on

Promise to play even if I am gone

Memories are so powerful even though it’s the past

I might be your first fan but I won’t be the last

You taught me my talent, my gift from within

My life might be over but yours can begin

You are my music, my love so how can I leave

This isn’t the time that you have to greave

How can I play, what will be the sound

This your time and you’ll find your ground

My music is wrong, it’s not the same without you

It’s not about me, it’s about how you grew

 

 

Eat Crow

 

I grew up watching the Brady Bunch, but looking back that was even dated for my time. My household and family dynamic was similar. My mom was a stay at home housewife with a ton of kids, and had that extra hand, while my dad earned good money to support a beautiful house. The difference was, my dad worked not one, but two, very blue collar jobs, and my mom’s help was her mom, my nana.

My dad was diagnosed with Lung Cancer when I was 15. He just retired, and was supposed to start his relaxed life after working himself to death. At first, he would just sit around and not know what to do, and it didn’t take long before he started to get frustrated, bored, and eventually sad. I never saw my dad sad up to this point. I asked my dad the question that sometimes, I still regret, “Dad, are you scared of dying?”, and for the first time, I saw my dad cry. His answer was honest, I wasn’t prepared to hear it, but from that moment on, I knew I was capable to ask hard questions. I was also capable to absorb the answers. My dad died two years later when I was 17. I knew I had to help my mom.

 

Moving forward 3 years later. My mom was adjusting to her life without my dad. It wasn’t an easy task, because he took care of her, and she wasn’t equipped with the life skills to support herself. I thought those three years were the worst, but it wasn’t until my mom got sick that I was about to repeat history. A cold, we thought; after all, we just lost our dad! Within 24 hours, my mom passed from a stroke due to complications of pneumonia. I knew I had to help my nana.

And that’s what I did. My most important job was taking care of family that was left behind by someone else. In the process, I became a mother at 21 years old, and had a great career, but my job was always back at home. I’m a caretaker-

I used to be bitter and angry about it, always thinking that life wasn't fair, but I realized that it was those tough moments that prepared me to be the mom "the ultimate caretaker" that I am today. And a very strong woman you always rises to the top. Most importantly, sometimes you have to put up and shut up.

 

 

 I'm not a lyrical gangsta, I'm just a genius with the words, let me make this clear just in case you have not heard; I know which words to choose, and I know which words to lose, more importantly, I know the battles, I will lose!
 
We all have a story that unfortunately we will tell, mine just so happens are about the times I just fell, but my story is the truth and not a bunch of lies, those who fall the hardest have no choice but to just rise.
 
But I will rise the highest, way beyond what you can see; you are so low, I only hear your desperate plea. If you don't have my back, get off it fast; after all, I have the means to reach deep into your past.
 
You can really only use so many fucking tissues, so please get over the mommy and daddy issues, cause as I head up North, and you head down South; Keep my fucking name out of your mouth.
 
This is the end of your plotted head game; you didn't know me from jump, and I'll put you to shame! I thank GOD that I was treated so bad, otherwise I could have settled for what I just had.
 
I am thrilled that your hurt and rightfully so, cause you finally realized what the hell you let -You crossed the line, not one but two- you crossed the line between me and you.
 
So from this point on, I bid you goodbye- It's way over-due to find the right guy.

 

Careful of What You Eat!!!

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2013/03/15/experts-say-food-may-contribute-to-anger-violent-behavior/